Editors Note: I ran across this while surfing the web, and found it quite touching. I contacted the author (Laura), and got her permission to repost it here.
I asked Laura for a little insight into why she wrote it. She replied:
"I've been mulling over the intro/explanation/whatever, and there's not too much of it. I know I'm squared away with God, but my heart's cry for some
time has been that I owe a debt of humility and love to people. So I wanted to open up a dialogue, I suppose. That's why I posted it online. A lot of
my friends to whom I've sent the link have written me back with things like,'Don't beat yourself up; you're a nice person.' In the words of Little Red
Riding Hood in 'Into the Woods,' 'Nice is different than good.'"
Here is Laura's blog entry, which I post without further comment or embellishment, since I'm sure it will speak for itself. Ed.
Hi.
If you’re reading this, it’s because: A) I sent you an e-mail and invited you, B) you clicked on the banner, or C) you stumbled across the diary completely by accident. Whichever the case: Welcome.
That’s really all of the time I have for niceties, because there is serious business to tackle, and I’m not one for beating around the bushes. So here goes…
I have a confession to make. Actually, I have a load of confessions. All of which require apologies, and most of which have to do with YOU. I owe you all an apology (or any number of them). I am sincerely sorry. And even if you don’t know me and you think you should go read another page now, please hang out. I know I’ve hurt you, too. I am certain of it. And if it hasn’t been me specifically, it’s been my kind. You know exactly what I mean.
So, I’m just going to start at the beginning. These are words I am not choosing lightly; I mean them with all of my heart:
I am so very sorry.
1) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been a selfish, self-centered, self-involved, self-seeking lover of self above all others at all times (even today). I have been willing to reach out to and help and love you only after I’ve made certain my own needs have been met. Never before.
2) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been so eager to disprove your “false assumptions” about this “religion” that, in my careless arguing and point-making, I proved you completely right.
3) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have shown complete disrespect and ungratefulness to parents who have loved me all along the way and who have forgiven me long before I asked for or deserved forgiveness.
4) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have hated. A lot. I have hated you for so many reasons, all of which I justified completely to myself. I might not have harbored thoughts of running over you with my car (but I might have), but I certainly worked myself into a frenzied dither of malice toward you, and I nursed it, and I said things about you when you weren’t around, and I avoided you when you were. I have harbored the thought that my life could be problem-free if only people like you weren’t in it.
5) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have walked away from relationships and commitments just because I felt like it, in front of everyone, and I did not care at all whom it affected or hurt, so long as I got what I wanted.
6) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been lazy and had a bad attitude about my work. I have been paid for performing well under my abilities. I have wasted time. I have sown the seeds of discord in the workplace with my words and my attitude. I have behaved unprofessionally and devoid of self-control. I have been arrogant, cynical, resentful, and dishonest, all while happily cashing a check that didn’t care whether I was honorable, as long as I got the minimum job description done. And I did that: the minimum. And no more.
7) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have not figured out how to relate to you. I want to get to know you on a personal level, but am uncomfortable with so many things about you… I assume you believe that I am narrow-minded and simple, and that maybe you even pity me. And this grates on my pride, so that I become defensive. And I probably look at you in a way that makes you think I’m judging you. I’m not. I’m judging myself in the mirror of your eyes, and I don’t like what I see. But I take it out on you.
8) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have treated my spouse like an inconvenience instead of a dear gift to be honored and revered and loved.
9) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been far too busy defending my own beliefs under the misguided heading of defending God or Jesus or the Scriptures, as though they needed my help. And in my energy-draining efforts to defend that which needs no defense, I’ve neglected defending those who truly need a voice. I’ve left these most vulnerable populations to you to take care of, and you’ve shouldered the burden, rightly wondering why those “love your neighbor” people aren’t doing anything.
10) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have stormed headlong into the political arena, waving the Sword of the Spirit as though it were a tool to change public policy. I have been sure that a national referendum is just the thing we need to stem the tide of… whatever. I have been so sure of this that I haven’t taken the time to look inside of myself to see where the actual problem lies. I have let myself forget that the battle isn’t against flesh. Instead, I have put a face on it, and that face is yours.
11) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have bullied my child, on purpose, just because I wasn’t patient enough to discipline instead.
12) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have lived a life that fails to reflect what I truly believe, what I have come to know so much only recently, is the One Thing that matters. And as I look behind me, I see in my wake those who have been injured by my thoughts, words, and actions. I am powerless to do anything but offer a sincere apology.
“Christian” means literally “little Christ.” I know I have been anything but. So often, we Christians use the Third Commandment of not using the Lord’s name in vain as a mandate against cursing. But, on my part, I have to admit that I’ve taken and used the Lord’s name as a banner for myself when it was TOTALLY inappropriate, and I am certain this is every bit as offensive to the God I am supposed to love than when someone off-handedly throws His name out there. I have dragged His name through the mud with me.
I am truly sorry. I wish I could do something to start the healing. Any comments? Do you accept my apology? E-mail me or leave me a note. I’d love to hear from you.
You may follow Laura's blog at godwho.diaryland.com
|
