Huddled up in a corner of my living room, tears streaming down my face as I sobbed uncontrollably; howling like a wounded puppy as I banged my head hard, hard into the wall. This is not how I imagined my magical training to be, and at the time, this was not what I believed was happening to me. I feared a mental breakdown. What I was having was a mental breakthrough.

Few things can screw with your psyche like the final stages of a period of magical training, whether it is the Philosophus grade of Cermonial Magic, Drawing Down the Moon in Wicca, or a Native American vision quest, or any one of the many, many ways there are to separate one’s essence from the body-vessel, shake it out, examine it critically and repair it before stuffing it back inside once more.

It is in this period of Qlippotic emotion when so many seekers stall and fall back, perhaps shunning further magical study or involvement in the pagan community altogether, rationalizing that they have learned all they can; not wishing to face the harsh, stark truth – they are imperfect, afraid, and are likely to be radically changed by any further progress.

There is nothing wrong in this. Perhaps the timing was not right, or some old wounds cannot yet be re-opened in a person’s life. Knowing what I know now, would I have gone through the process? I don’t know. The truth is, the only way I was able to make it through to the other side was by not realizing, until afterwards, that I was in fact responsible for the horrors I felt and saw happening in my life. I was responsible for my Joy becoming Anger, my Love becoming Hate, my altruistic tendencies turned to selfishness, and Passion corrupted to Lust.

This was my Fall from grace. My humility in the face of overwhelming evidence to show that I was not the wonderful, well-adjusted individual I pretended to be to myself and everyone else; that I was, in fact just as much of an ignorant, selfish, asshole as the rest of humanity.

In Qabbalistic terms, this can be compared to the Breaking of the Vessels – the initial Fall of the Sephiroth on the Tree of Life that caused the Abyss of Da’ath, the physical world of Malkuth, and the creation of the Qlippoth.

Think of the Qlippoth as an inverted Tree of Life, where one’s emotions favor the darker, negative end of the spectrum. Forgiveness becomes Vengeance for example. Self Sacrifice becomes Self Serving. We all have these extremes built into us. It is part of our goal to balance these emotions. Too much Joy, Passion and Altruism can lead to one being taken advantage of at the expense of self. It can also be pretty annoying to those around you. To much selfishness, too much Hate and Anger keeps us distant and alone from the rest of humanity, the rest of creation. In the Golden Dawn, the concept is expressed in these terms:

“Unbalanced Power is the ebbing away of Life. Unbalanced Mercy is weakness and the fading out of the Will. Unbalanced Severity is cruelty and the barrenness of Mind. “

That one night where I lay curled up in my own grief and misery, I reached out to the Love of my Life who had been there for me through it all, understanding only that I was in pain. And I began to heal.

That night, in my dreams, I felt as if layers of toxin were being pulled from my body. Toxins that had risen to the surface over the past months and accumulated into one lump of pain and misery and self doubt, finally cohesive enough to be stripped from my body in that one moment, leaving me with just the memory of pain, and the voice in my head whispering to me ‘No more child, I promise, no more.’

After that, my training resumed, with renewed vigor and passion. Obstacles that I had previously imagined were suddenly gone, and suddenly everything I read told me the same thing: What you just went through was expected, normal, and necessary.

So what was the purpose of this article?

I wanted to remind you that if you find yourself stalled in your magical training, if you feel that the walls are closing in on you and the world is out to get you, that is a good thing. Now is the time for courage. Now is the time to allow your negative emotions to be allowed into the light of day.

But you must control them, for that is what you have to learn. Most people believe there is nothing in the world scarier than what they in their heart of hearts suspect they are personally capable of. If you can release those emotions yet still control them. If you can show anger, lust and selfishness and yet not hurt others then you will have conquered your beast, and tamed your own personal Qlippotic demons.

Catweasel is Priest of the Correllian Tradition and a Ceremonial Magician in the Golden Dawn. You may contact him at catweasel@witchschool.com.